one year ahead..

well.. it's almost been a year I din update my account.. what I can do?? hmm.. life is though.. the roads are difficult.. but.. it change me a lot.. what happen in these few month really makes me realise tat people are like tat.. friend?? best friend?? does this happen.. relationship or friendship will last forever.. how about love? I hate both of it very much.. why?? cant describe.. things getting worse day by day.. hurt.. by what I felt.. which it makes me not to believe in love.. friendship or even anyone who is near me..(of course not my family).. I thought I found a real friendship.. but I realise.. it was only dreams.. but of course to all my secondary friends are excluded.. what if I din't meet you all in the first time?? I will not be as tat bad for now.. right?? or.. I will stay happy as who I am.. I guess.. the time is almost near for me to go by myself.. but not together with anyone.. because I realise that people who stay by my side will ended up by hating me.. I am sorry.. but this is my natural attitude.. I wont change for the sake of suiting someone.. I don't wish for not believing anyone.. but.. what I wish has become something which ended keep on hurting me.. I had enough of it..

hmm.....

my theory grade 5 just over today.. hehe.. i'm so happy.. but i doesn't know whether i can pass or not.. haiz.. hmm.. i don't know what happen to me.. i feel i wan2 cry.. haiz.. i just feel so.. i don't know why.. haiz.. i just wish the person can be beside me and i could cry on shoulder.. haiz.. i wish a person.. anyone.. as long i feel safe with the person and cry on the person.. i really trying to forget the love.. but.. i just cant!! i just fucking cant!! i really really love the person.. but.. it end up.. we have to go separate ways.. u have ur way.. i have my way.. whenever i be with u.. i just feel happy.. i wan you to be happy.. but i can only wish u.. tat's all.. haiz.. nothing much i can do.. haiz.. i wish.. u will happy forever.. i becoming who i'm.. who i truly am.. a person who has no heart feeling.. anymore....

i belive in you..

I believe, though you are not beside me

it wouldn't end like this.

I believe, the way it will come to me

just a bit far to come to me.

all in the past memories

i hurt myself and cried.

i wish you won't cry as how i cried,

with no tears i wish you

to send off me easily.

i know one day

you will come back

i believe in you

I'll be waiting for you. you are the only one for me

I believe, because i would cry

you couldn't be not able to cry

I believe, my flowing tears will

return you back to me

inside of my stopping eyes glance

your images are hit upon, so it makes me cry

i wish you don't cry as much as me

with no tears i wish you

to send off me easily.

i know one day

you will be back

i believe in you

waliao.. stupid classmate..

why i so bad luck will have this classmate.. u killing me in accapella.. fuck u.. tempo din count.. din practice.. fuck! fuck!.. i see i wan beat u long time ago.. haiz.. please don think u have car i don't have car.. u are only small little fucking kancil.. so don try to show off.. fuck u.. my car is much more better den ur kancil.. i don't need u to come cheras and fetch me to school.. i got leg, i got hand.. i can choose to drive or take lrt.. i don't need ppl like u to fetch me.. even though every fucking human in this world die i also wont call u fetch me.. fuck you.. and please don't backstabbed my best friend.. he din say any bad word about u.. so please don backstabbed him.. you are not good as anyone.. fuck you.. cau cibai.. ppl using piano u come and rebut with ppl.. what the fuck.. i see u i really wan shoot u kao kao

moody

well.. i not sure.. nowadays.. i keep on moody.. why? because of what? haiz.. i really don't know.. jealousy.. bla bla bla.. when can i only be truely myself.. i wish to be like how i'm last time.. it will be much more better.. don't care what other ppl say about me.. i wish to be like tat.. i really lost.. losing myself.. i don't know why i will love u so much.. i juz don't know.. i see u sad.. i was really really sad.. even in class i din hear what the teacher saying.. coz i keep on worry about you.. i never stop thinking about you.. i never never stop thinking about you.. i feel.. i really in love with u.. i wan someone to take away my feeling towards u.. but i scared.. our friendship will gone forever.. haiz.. i love u..

i had enough..

i had enough! Enough of everything! I don't know why i will so crazy wit this person..oh yes, i really love you..i was so stupid..i felt myself stupid..i see you unhappy..but i cant do anything..i see your eyes..and i wish tat you were happy..tat's what i wan2 see from your eyes..i don't know why..i cried when i think of you..how sad you are.i cried..my tears flows again..i don't know why i was so crazy about you..i don't know why! I was so fucking in love wit you..but i juz cant control myself..i feel i wan to release myself from this pain..i wan2 help you..but i cant..i don't know why i miss you so much..i feel tat now you are trying to avoid me..i hope tat this is my wrong feeling..if you think you don't like on what other ppl said about up during on lunch or anywhere..i willing to leave myself alone so tat you wont heard any unwanted things from their mouth anymore..

hmm.. why so many sad things?

i juz don't know since when, where, why i will felt so in deep love with this person.. fine looking person, funny, friendly.. but.. faith have made us cant be together forever.. haiz.. i cant do anything.. this is what the god wan me to gain through.. the road which my god have decided for me.. i cant do anything.. but.. in my whole life.. i never never felt in so deep love.. this can be say is the first time.. buy why.. why must be the person? i cant figure out why.. why it's you.. i miss u everyday.. every hour, every minute, every single second.. i wish juz to hug u.. haiz.. but i juz don't know what my heart really want.. what my heart really wish for.. what the god want me to do.. haiz.. it's seems like.. i really love you.. really really love you.. haiz.. but i think i have to forget it.. 1990+2013-3980= a decision which i have made in that age of mine.. is either i like it or not.. i will leave you.. alothught i know.. till the age.. or till when.. the feeling toward u.. the happy moment we went together.. i will remember.. loud and clear in my mind.. i never ever mind what type of person are u.. what looking u having right now.. but.. for me.. u are perfect.. excellent.. 100% the type i wan.. haiz.. i think.. i have to give a word to myself.. that is 'forget about the dream you want!'

love..why love?

why love a person is wrong..? You cant accept me, it's ok..i'm used to be lonely..i used to be single..what can i do? I dwn to be a middle person..i can only sit aside and pray for your happiness..i wish you to be happy always..we can only be best friend but cant be together for forever..haiz..why love a person so difficult..having a burden..i love you..but law doesn't say love a person is wrong..i feel anytime from know i will start leaving you and never talk to you anymore..since i'm a burden for you and make you feel i blocking your life..haiz..what should i do? I just wish for some advice and listener..but i'm too lonely..i think i don't even deserve a best friend..

hoping for the things which is impossible

i just don't know why.. day before i leave kl.. i told u all my heart.. tat is the sound of my heart.. now at kl.. i miss u.. i really really miss u.. for 24 hour every week i miss u.. not a single day i take a break.. coz i really love u.. haiz.. i took ur photo along.. so i can see u everyday.. i juz wish i could heard ur latest news.. be the 1st person to update ur latest news.. but.. it looks like i was juz dreaming.. i love u.. i really love u since the day i meet u.. but.. it seems it's impossible.. i am hoping for something which is impossible.. i express all my feelings towars u.. and tat is all my word.. truly word from my heart.. but.. are u reading my msg? are u listening to wat i said?? guess not.. haiz.. i happy to be with u.. u like who.. i have no right to stop u.. i think we shall be friends only.. keep on hopping for the things which is impossible give me no meaning.. haiz.. i hope u happy always.. i will pray for u everyday.. i love u..

holiday..

such boring holiday.. well.. can't think of it that when holiday things which i don't wish to happen will happen.. well.. it all ends for now.. i feel.. i went back to my lonely life again.. with no friends.. and all alone.. why i will have this feeling? i feel i been left behind.. i was sad.. but wat i can do? nothing i can do also.. haiz.. well.. i think i deserve it.. in a room which full of darkness.. be alone with no friends.. all of them have 2 faces.. don't know which is real and which is fake? why when i treat someone good and they have to treat me back bad.. and even worse.. haiz.. am i that easily being bully?? or is my attitude problem?? well whatever it is.. i feel nothing.. been 11 years i been lonely.. with no friends.. feel being use again.. when i'm useless i' just like a piece of junk, being throw away, when i can be use, i'm a 'temporally' treasure.. well.. why can't i continue my life?? be strong and fulfill my dream since i was small.. don't care what people back stabbed me, what they say behind me, how bad i'm as long i can improve, accept critic from other ppl.. although the feeling is hard to accept.. but it's normal for me.. cry before in a lonely dark room.. but no one can listen what is the sound of my heart looks like.. it's worse then everything else..

what hapen!!!!!

haiz.. sunday 03 july 2009.. at kl.. 1st accident.. hit ppl's car butt.. haiz.. so bad luck.. my cute little horrible kancil hit a nice little devil honda city (old version).. what a good day.. haiz.. what to do.. the person request me to pay rm300.. fuck u!! ur honda butt is not as terrible as u think and u dare to take rm300 from me.. the lady say she wan report to the police but i refuse to. because if i were to report.. i have to pay for it.. might as well we settle it personally.. u fixed the car and take the receipt to me.. and i pay.. i hope nothing happen.. i really in bad luck on tat day.. haiz.. 04 july 2009.. my cute little horrible kancil give me trouble again.. water boil. fucking car.. why u so many problem.. hit ppl butt, water boil for 3 times.. non stop giving me problem.. why wan bully me lidat.. cost me rm200 something juz to fixed u.. and the money which i suppose to pay the fees have to give pay juz to repair u.. haiz.. good car.. hope to sell u at once.. haiz.. good day.. good news.. being scolded.. haiz.. i also don't wish for the incident to happen.. but end up.. being scolded.. good good.. very good..

a story of a best friend of mine..

i was happy.. that my aural teacher say my aural improving.. haha.. i was so happy.. and my sight singing improving also.. haiz. next week is my mid term exam.. haiz.. i have no money use in kl.. i must save in everything regarding to money.. haiz.. i was unhappy, scared.. tears flow again from my eyes.. are u really gonna leave?? will we meet again?? haiz.. i wish miracle will happen.. i juz wan u back.. i don't wish u to leave me.. and also leave other friends as well.. haiz.. my parents tell me that.. in this world.. there are no true friends.. but it was wrong.. because i found 1.. in my school.. and i never have this such good friend.. i was so so so so happy to have this buddy.. we were so close till my friend ask us whether are we brothers? i laugh.. it's just because we always been together, same our feelings together, talk with each other when 1 of us unhappy, and din count or even bother in treating who eat, paying taxi fees, or willing to help each other in taking stuff although it's on 3rd floor and we were at the 1st floor, quarrel with each other but still in good friends.. i never been such feelings.. the best friend i ever get.. i was.. so happy.. and.. tears start to flow when i know my buddy soon will leave me 1 day.. i cant stand it.. because i never have such good friend before.. and i also hope that i will continue to stay with this buddy again.. because in school.. only this buddy who willing to become my listener.. only this buddy who will force me to say out the unhappy things in my heart and will advice me to relieve me.. it's hard to find such good buddy.. how would i willing to lose this good friend??

i'm tension enough.. many things happen

haiz.. so many things happen.. i don't even know what i going to do.. haiz.. i don't even know why i can treat ppl so nice.. but in the opposite way.. they treat me like 'kanasai'.. i juz don't know why.. haiz.. should i quit becoming so call.. good guy.. and juz become who i'm only.. without caring what other ppl think of me.. don care what they say me.. don't care what they backstabed me.. i losing 1 very very good friend.. soon.. i juz don't know whether i will see this friend ever again or not.. i gonna miss this friend.. haiz.. ever since i come kl.. when i meet this friend.. my tears sometimes will flow.. haiz.. i juz wish i can take care of this friend.. but i think it's impossible.. haiz.. nothing much i can do also.. haiz.. who can help me.. nowadays.. my heart very pain.. my mood is bad.. no mood practice.. no mood chat or even sms.. haiz.. how can i improve??? i juz don't know what is the next step i can do.. what my heart really want now is.. i juz wish i can accompany my very very best friend to wherever this friend go.. there are many things which i don't even know how to express.. haiz..

over!!! too over!!!

i cant believe i will have such classmate.. if u wan backstabbed me plz say it in front of me.. u are not as good as anyone!!! haiz.. 24/6 is semester 1 choir exam.. well.. this idiot guy.. keep on blaming other ppl.. come on.. plz.. use ur fucking brian.. choir is about team work.. NOT blaming on other ppl!!! and WHY U BLAME MY FRIEND AND SAY HE SING WRONG U DAMN BLOODY IDIOT!!! i know u are good in ur major instrument... but it doesn't mean that u are good in everything.. u don't know anything about music!!! make me real angry when i heard that.. if ever again u say my friend.. i will not let you go that easily!!!! damn u!!! i doesn't know why teacher say u play ur instrument better then mine.. damn u damn u!!!!! i cant even think of it.. i don't even know why i will have this such 'good' classmate.. i don't even know how long i can stand facing u.. sorry.. that many bad words used in this blog.. but i cant stand it le.. he is a JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ur table manners are worse and i don't enjoy my food whenever i sit together with u in a same table.. u are worse then a jerk.. slp in the class while teacher are talking in front.. say till so proud u wake up so early for jogging.. so what!!! so also can wake up on 4am.. not only u.. u dumb head.. my hometown wake up at 3am.. and yet they din even complaining about anything.. proud of yourself that u wake up that early.. fuck you la...

haiz.. sad but what i can do??

haiz.. many things happen but there is nothing i can do.. haiz.. i don't know what i can do anymore.. i losing something important in my life again.. i don't wish this to happen.. but soon it will happen.. i'm sad.. tears flowing from my eyes again.. and i don't know what i going to do.. haiz.. i wan2 cry out loud and hug u and saying i will follow you wherever u go and stay by ur side and will never leave u.. this is what i willing to do and i will never regret on what i said.. haiz.. but i know that this won't happen.. i truely sad.. and tears started to flow from my eyes as i started to write this blog.. only god can give me ans on what i should do.. i really cant forget the happiness we gone together.. it's so memorable.. but.. haiz.. it's just like the end of my world.. i will go back to a lonely place where i belong to as usual.. haiz.. someone!!!!! plz!!! i'm sad!!!

sad! But what to do?! I losing myself..

haiz..love a person..but the feeling very sad..haiz..why when we like a person we bad do everything for them? We can help them carry thing, stay back at school to wait for them, accompany them eat althought we owned self have taken our lunch? Haiz..but end up..we get nothing..haiz..love a person real hard..we cant get what we wan and end up, the person who hurt the most is me..haiz..but what to do? We can only accept it and let our heart pain..the same goes with me..love a person but cant have it..haiz..but end up know something which i couldn't accept and i have to accept it with my heart broken..the feeling was pain, tears flow, worried, and many more unhappy feeling..sad! Why this happen to me! I'm sad! I cry every night in silence but no one know and no one even wan2 bother to know..haiz..my heart know broke into million of pieces with tears flowing from my eyes..i losing myself..

haiz.. what i wish for will gone in a blink of a eye..

i will never find true love.. and now.. i din hope for it as i know i will not get it.. when i love a person so much.. is either they will leave me or they will not even care bout me.. haiz.. so, wat is the point for me to find true love so hard.. i now.. don feel to have 1.. i wan2 turn to a cold blooded person which don even wish to care ppl beside me.. ppl beside me have 2 face.. liar.. bloody person.. i won even trust them anymore.. i wan2 be cold blooded.. i'm hurt worse.. my heart cries every night.. but no ppl understand me.. no ppl even bother to care wat is my feeling is.. i was so so so hurt and sad.. really emo-ing.. haiz.. but wat i can do.. nothing!! i'm juz a piece of jerk.. haiz.. now.. no1 can change me back to who i really am.. unless a person.. but, it's useless.. haiz..

haiz..what am i to you actually!

haiz..certainly many things happen..haiz..i feel losing someone really important to me..haiz..why..when i meet someone who i think is 100% perfect we cant be together? Haiz..wad i can do is stand aside do nothing..haiz..another thing which i very hurt..a person from my hometown..haiz..i help you so many things, i treat you so good, i treat you like my owned siblings..when i come kl..you din even care of me, ask how i'm..when i feel wan2 ask how are you, you will think i kepo..b4 i come kl..got secret we share together, got anything we share together..when i go kl..you din even find me..ask why? You give me stupid reason.. I dwn feel like being used..haiz..but you wont read my blog and you wont even bother to know how i'm..tat's the main reason i dwn to come back to hometown..coz you din even wan2 care about me..when i tell you i sick..you din even bother, haiz..wad can i do..i'm sad..i'm missing you over here but you at other side happy..din even care of me..i'm speechless and heart-broken..you will call me do things when i at kl..when i do good..you praise me with other way..when i did bad..you say me..critic me..come on!! I'm not your dog..i feel useless but i love you too much..but wad i can do? Haiz..nothing! Nothing!

best friend...

best friend is hard to find.. when u find 1 appreciate them.. talk with them.. smile with them.. share with them.. feel their heart beat.. don leave them alone.. accompany them in no matter what circumstances.. share happy, sad, anger,sorrow moment with them.. because they are.. truly.. the one.. who.. is willing to standby 24 hour there.. listen to every of ur complain.. every of ur words which came out from ur heart.. they are the only person who can be by ur side to listen to ur sound.. the shoulder for u to lean on when u are crying.. shoulder for u to lean when u are tired.. they don't mind and don care what personal identity u have.. they don't even care whether u are rich or poor.. they will still be beside u.. never leave u alone.. they wont mind and wont angry at u although u angry at them.. they will forgive u if u have done wrong.. when u have financial problem.. they will help u.. lend u money.. treat u eat.. when u need someone to go shopping, go to a destination, they are the one who accompany u.. when u having any problem.. they will crack their big brain and help u in settle the problem.. they will chat with u.. understand more about u.. because they treat u as their friend.. a friend which is beyond the line of best friend.. but.. there is always a but.. once u lost them.. forever u lost them.. best friend are hard to find.. the feeling of losing a friend.. is pain.. appreciate them while still can.. tell ur best friend how much u love them.. when u lose them.. ur life will be meaningless.. a sudden empty space is left inside ur heart.. appreciate them.. tell them how much u love them.. friends are hard to find.. now as friend.. forever a best friend....! a friend which is 100% perfect.. appreciate

8th may concert..

the day is my school having concert.. it's ladies night concert.. so fun.. the song was nice.. and i only snap photo with my friends.. i'm so happy to have them as my friend.. i will appreciate them a lot.. thx for willing to become my friend.. thx.. u all will forever stay in my heart and u all will be my best friend forever.....